


just hug me

by ErisedEloquence



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Definitely Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Touch-Starved, as in thomas really wants to be hugged, i really wanted to write touch starved tjeff but this turned into anxiety!tjeff? idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-17 03:10:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9301442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErisedEloquence/pseuds/ErisedEloquence
Summary: Okay. Once is chance, twice is coincidence, three times is a fucking pattern. And the way Thomas’ body froze up and his brain shut down? Very much a fucking pattern.---or the one where thomas hasn't been hugged in three months and he's touch starved.





	

**Author's Note:**

> idk what exactly this is tbh, but enjoy?
> 
> I wrote this in one sitting soooo no editing...
> 
> I tried my best not to fuck up the tenses but like.... I probably failed :)

“I _know_ he’s gonna fail me, Jemmy, I just fucking know it.”

James, on his desk, back turned to Thomas who’s lounging on his bed and had been whinging for the past half an hour, rolled his eyes. “You can’t know that, Thomas. Just do your best and I'm sure you’ll do great.”

A huff. “But, _Jemmy_.”

James refused to turn around as he heard the rustling behind him. “I'm telling you, you’re the best in your class, there is no way you’re failing this midterm.”

“But he _hates me_. Like a lot. More than he hates Hamilton, which is outrageous honestly. He basically _told me_ he was gonna fail me.”

James finally sighed and stopped typing up his paper, turning around. “Okay. I'll bite. How exactly did he ‘tell you’?”

Having his roommate’s attention, Thomas sat up and frowned. “I mean. He didn’t say it exactly, but he definitely gave me very obvious looks.”

“Looks.”

Thomas, looking slightly sheepish, nodded. “You know he hates me, though, right? You believe me when I say that?”

James’ unamused glare softened. “It’s not that I don’t believe you, it’s more that you always say this before a midterm you’re nervous about. You’re gonna do great, you know? Just don’t forget to take your meds that day, and you’ll ace it. Trust me, alright?”

Thomas huffed but reluctantly nodded, his attention diverted as he got a call.

* * *

Thomas, Angelica, and Aaron were huddled around a table in the corner of a coffee shop, dreading their midterm results.

“I'm telling you, I definitely will _not_ be getting higher than a C+ on bio.” Angelica pouted.

Aaron nodded, patting her on the back. “At least you were smart and didn’t take policy analysis with Monroe… he refuses to give anyone a grade over a B, which is ridiculous.”

Thomas, with his head resting on his arms on the table, hummed but stayed quiet. He was supposed to be getting his grade for Bates’ class today, and he was so sure he’d failed his midterm. He was afraid if he opened his mouth to complain, he’d just throw up, and no one wanted to see that.

He liked Burr and Angelica, but his anxiety was very high that day and he’d much rather be with James in their dorm room.

Hearing his phone ping, he sighed and took it out, expecting a text.

He quickly sat up straight when he saw the email notification: **European Politics Midterm Results**

“You okay?” he heard Angelica ask, but didn’t bother answering her. He was trying to stop his heart beating too fast, the last thing he needed was to have a panic attack before he even saw the fucking grade.

He clicked on the email and opened up the link to his student page. Shakily clicked on the class, then took a deep breath before clicking on the button saying **Grades**. 

His eyes widened and he stood up so quickly Aaron and Angelica scrambled up. 

“Fuck, what’s wrong?” Aaron demanded.

Thomas shook his head. “I have to go see James.” 

He completely ignored their questions as he practically ran out of the coffee shop.

\-------

He slammed the door to their dorm open, making James jump from where he was typing at his desk.

“Shit, you scared me…” James said. “Why are you breathing so fast?”

Thomas waved him off, “I ran here.”

Frowning, James asked, “From the cafe?”

Nodding, Thomas suddenly smiled. “Jemmy. I got a fucking 97. That’s a fucking A!”

It took him a second, but when he finally got it, James jumped from his seat and marched the short distance between his desk and the door. “I knew you could do it.” and then he grabbed Thomas and pulled him into a tight hug.

For some inexplicable reason, Thomas’ first instinct was to jerk back from the hug. He managed to stop himself from doing something that stupid, thankfully, and shook his head before cautiously hugging James back.

\-------

He spent exactly ten seconds thinking of that weird moment before deciding to forget about it; he was probably just too wired and the hug scared him.

Yup, that was probably it.

* * *

A few weeks later, it’s winter break, and Thomas was on his bed whinging (when was he not?) at a packing James.

“But you can’t leave me, Jemmy, what am I supposed to do while you’re gone?”

James just rolled his eyes. “I told you to come with me, but you didn’t want.”

Thomas huffed. “Uh, yeah, because your mom keeps asking us about girls, and you don’t want me to tell her I, in fact, love dick. So.”

James tried to hold back a laugh. “Yes. because I'm not out yet, and you don’t get to come out to my family first, Thomas, no way.”

Rolling his eyes, Thomas frowned. “But what am I supposed to do in the two months you’re leaving me, huh? _Die_?”

“Fucking hell, Thomas, it’s just a week, you’ll be fine. And I'll call and text you everyday, okay? Calm down.”

James didn’t say that his heart always felt so light whenever Thomas said he couldn’t be without him.

Thomas quieted down with a pout, but didn’t take his eyes off of James.

Feeling a pang of guilt, James stopped packing for a moment. “Okay. But Alexander and Laurens aren’t going home, and Laf said he’s not leaving until christmas eve and then coming back day after christmas, please--” he met Thomas’ eyes. “Don’t lock yourself in here while I'm gone. Go argue with Hamilton, or flirt with Laurens, hang out with Laf, please.”

Thomas rolled his eyes. “They can never replace you, Jemmy, but fine whatever. And if Hamilton finally punches me for hitting on his little crush, it’s your fault.”

Finally, James relaxed a little. “And don’t forget to take your meds.” he added gently.

“I won’t, Jemmy, promise.”

At that, James relaxed all the way.

They’re quiet for a moment while James zipped up his bag. Right on time, too, because his phone rang with the cab driver telling him he’s downstairs.

He stood at the door for a second, before waving Thomas over to him, Thomas easily going over.

James met Thomas’ eyes. “Call every night, and text every second, okay? Anything you wanna say, Thomas, you text me. It’s only fair since I'll be doing the same thing, and you don’t want me feeling bad, do you?”

Thomas flushed and shook his head, whispering, “no, I don’t.”

“Good. so continuous communications, got it?”

Nodding, Thomas smiled. James always says the same thing if they were going to be apart for longer than a day, knowing he was Thomas’ anchor for his anxiety, and knowing Thomas always doubted himself whenever they texted for too long; thinking he’s imposing, even after years of friendship. 

Then, James did _it_ , again; he wrapped his arms around Thomas’ shoulders and pulled him tightly into a hug. Thomas, in that moment, concluded that the first time’s reaction was possibly not a fluke. His body desperately wanted to flinch, for some fucking reason, but he held himself still and wrapped his arms around James’ waist.

James left with a smile. But Thomas stood there for a while afterwards because _what the actual fuck was that?_ He slowly made his way to his bed, needing to be alone for a bit, and sleeping in James’ bed, while was what he usually did if James was away, was not what he needed right then - he’ll do it once he figures this thing out. 

So, he laid down on his bed and started to _think_ : why would he want to flinch away from _James_? His best friend for over ten years? And it’s not like Thomas had any history of abuse - thank god - to make him fear touching. But then again, maybe he’d just been in a fragile state? He really didn’t want James to leave and was already regretting not going with him, so maybe his anxiety was really high and James, being the culprit for that anxiety (though it physically pained Thomas to even think that), went to touch him and his mind rejected that? That made more sense than Thomas just being weird.

He sighed and got up, switching to James’ bed, he needed to clear his mind.

The last thing he thinks on the subject, while cuddling into his friend’s covers, is: _if it happens again, I'll worry about it._

* * *

Two days after James’ leaving, Thomas was already breaking his promise; he hadn’t seen anyone since his friend had left. The only person he’d seen was the starbucks barista whenever he went to get a drink.

So, two days after James had left, Thomas was on his friend’s bed still, reading, when a violent knock made him jump.

“Open up, jackass!”

Thomas rolled his eyes and got up to open the door for, hopefully, just Laurens. 

The Lord apparently hated him, because Hamilton was there, too. 

The two walk in without any invitation, Laurens sitting down on Thomas’ unused bed, and Hamilton on the desk chair closest to his ‘friend’.

Thomas went back to James’ bed and stared at Laurens. “What?”

Laurens smiled wide, “we were so very worried!”

He couldn’t not laugh at the exaggerated look of innocence on Laurens’ face. “Sure, you were.” he raised an eyebrow, “so James called you?”

With the same exaggerated look, Laurens nodded. “Yup!”

Thomas turned to look at Hamilton, who was slowly spinning in the chair. “and what do you want?”

He was looking at Hamilton, so he was shocked when arms wrapped around him, and Laurens’ body was suddenly in his lap.

Okay. Once is chance, twice is coincidence, three times is a fucking pattern. And the way Thomas’ body froze up and his brain shut down? Very much a fucking pattern.

Laurens, being so damn close, felt the small flinch Thomas couldn’t hide, and pulled back a little. “Did I hurt you?”

Hamilton laughed, “I bet you did! Thomas couldn’t hold anyone’s weight with how heavy is ego is!”

But Laurens was looking into Thomas’ eyes and could see the look there, so he ignored Hamilton and slowly took his hands off of Thomas. In a low voice saying, “I'm sorry, I'm getting up now.”

And he did, slowly getting up off Thomas’ lap, but staying across from him on James’ bed.

Hamilton must’ve felt the severity of the moment, because he stopped the teasing and moved to Thomas’ bed, closer to the two.

Laurens, still using that low voice, asked, “Are you okay?”

But Thomas didn’t know. He didn’t know what the fuck was wrong with him.

Hamilton frowned in concern. “Did you take your meds today, Jefferson?”

Thomas nodded jerkily. Fuck, he didn’t know what had happened. What _kept on_ happening.

“Do you want us to go?” Hamilton asked.

Thomas paused, thinking about it. Did he want them to leave? He honestly didn’t know. He wasn’t having a panic attack, he’d calmed down slightly, so maybe he just needed a moment to fucking think about it.

Finally, he nodded.

Hamilton got, “okay, you got it, Jefferson.” 

Laurens, on the other hand, seemed hesitant. “You’ll call when you’re feeling better?”

Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Thomas nodded. “I'll come find you later, how does that sound?”

His answer seemed to relax Laurens ever so slightly. The man moved closer, probably to hug him again, before he jerked back, “sorry. Yeah. we’ll be in our dorm, just come whenever.”

And then they left.

\-------

Contrary to what Hamilton might believe, Thomas was not an idiot. So he started to calmly think about what he was actually _feeling_ in those three moments. He was looking for the panic, the fear, any negative emotion, but there were none. There was shock, a lot of it, there was certainly surprise, but not bad surprise. And, most of all, the thing that was hiding behind all that - the overwhelming _want_. He _wanted_ to be hugged. He didn’t want them to stop. 

With that in mind, he started to think back to _when the fuck was the last time he was actually touched?_

His parents had died three years earlier. He didn’t have any other family. He wasn’t really close enough to any of his friends to warrant touching. And the two he _was_ that close to, James and Laurens? Well, James, the poor man, was almost always sick or tired. And Laurens? Well, as evidenced, didn’t have any qualms touching Thomas, it’s just that Thomas could see that Hamilton really liked the guy, and that sometimes, their flirting actually hurt him, so Thomas was not about to start touching Hamilton’s love interest.

He sighed and ignored the pain he felt; _he knew what it felt like to want someone but be scared of that want…._

Anyway, point is, he hadn’t been touched, other than the passing shoulder or back pat, in over three months. Fuck. the last had been Peggy when she’d first met him a little less than four months ago, and had hugged him politely in greeting. And fuck, that realization hurt.

Thomas took a deep breath and slowly let it out. This was probably a fluke. People went through dry spells with sex, why couldn’t casual touching be the same? Yeah, he was probably overreacting, everything would be just fine. 

With that in mind, he got up, changed out of his pajamas ( _fuck, Hamilton had seen him in his iron man pjs_ ) and made his way up to the Hamilton-Laurens dorm two floors up.

\-------

Laurens started fussing over him the second he walked in. and Hamilton didn’t look any better, he was just better at controlling himself - and wasn’t that a thought Hamilton would love knowing Thomas had had. 

“Laurens, stop. Come on, I'm _fine_.” he repeated for the tenth time since coming over there.

Laurens just aimed his famous puppy dog eyes at him, and Hamilton started laughing, “good luck saying no to that, Jefferson.”

He wasn’t wrong, so Thomas just sighed and let Laurens hand him a cup of tea and a phone. The first he was grateful for, the second had him confused.

That is until he saw the name at the top of the screen - Madison. Laurens had called James. Great, now Thomas had to lie. To Jemmy. 

He glared at Laurens, who didn’t look all that bothered cuddled up with a happy-flushed Hamilton.

He finally raised the phone to his ear. “Hey, Jemmy!” and then cringed at the onslaught of Care James threw at him.

“Are you okay? John said-- but I didn’t really know what he was talking about, what happened? Did you take your meds, babe? I talked to you this morning and you said you had - did you lie to me, Tommy? Because you _know_ I'll drive the hours back to lecture you, you know that, Tommy - what the fuck happened?”

Thomas ignored the way his heart fluttered at James calling him babe, and stood up to take the call in the quiet hallway.

“I'm fine, Jemmy, honestly. Laurens is exaggerating by a lot. You talked to me earlier, did I sound bad? I took my meds and I was fine. I was tired and Laurens jumped on me, and he’s not as light as he might look…”

Calculating silence followed before James responded. “You’re lying to me, and I don’t know why.” he sighed but continued before Thomas had the chance to say anything, “but I know you don’t wanna say right now, so I'll let you get away with it.”

Fuck did that not make Thomas feel guilty as shit.

And just like the mind reader Thomas suspected he was, James said, “don’t feel guilty about this, Thomas. You have every right to keep things to yourself. If you don’t want to tell me something, you don’t have to. And if you just need some time to figure this out before you tell me. Well. take all the time you need. You _know_ I'm always here, don’t you?”

And that wasn’t rhetorical. James always asked questions like that and really wanted an answer. He always wanted to make sure Thomas was okay, and damnit Thomas wanted to tell him but he hadn’t figured it out himself. 

“Yeah, I know, Jemmy, I know. And I'm sorry.”

“Hey now, no apologizing. I just told you it was okay, you don’t have to tell me everything.”

God, he was so great…

Thomas smiled. “I don’t _have_ to, but I very much _want_ to….”

James laughed very softly, “then tell me. When you’re ready. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. I'll be back in four days, and from the sounds of it, Laurens isn’t leaving your side.”

Taking the out, Thomas sighed dramatically. “Oh my god, James, he made me tea and won’t stop giving me puppy dog eyes, it’s _awful_! come save me!”

James laughed again, and said goodbye.

\-------

Thomas hung out with Laurens and Hamilton for a couple of hours to calm them down, before claiming he was tired and heading back to James’ bed. And the second his head hit that pillow, he was out cold.

* * *

Like James and him had predicted, Laurens didn’t seem too keen on leaving Thomas alone. That made apparent by the text that greeted Thomas in the morning:

**From: sweetcheeks <3**

**We’re at the cafe!! Get your pretty ass here when you wake up!!!!!!!**

**-10 minutes ago.**

Chuckling at the name he’d assigned Laurens, Thomas got up, got dressed and made his way to his nagging friends. 

He did want coffee and food anyway.

Laurens waved him over the second he walked. Immediately asking, “you feeling better?”

Thomas rolled his eyes. “Yes, fine, sweetheart.” and then bit back the laugh that threatened to bubble over at how Hamilton flushed with anger.

Laurens, opposite Thomas, fluttered his lashes, “but I worry so, baby. You just took over my whole heart, what can I do?”

At the pout Hamilton was sporting, Thomas had to laugh.

“I need coffee if I'm hanging out with you two. Want anything?” he asked, getting up to go order, getting two head shakes.

He sighed, waiting for his coffee to be made. He already felt much calmer, the previous night might’ve been a fluke after all. Either way, James would definitely hug him when he got back and everything would be fine. That’d prove that Thomas’ hidden worries had no leg to stand on.

He grabbed his coffee, smiling at the barista and went back to their table.

He sat back down to find Laurens and Hamilton arguing. “What’s wrong with you two?”

Hamilton huffed. “None of your business, Jefferson.”

But Laurens rolled his eyes teasingly. “Don’t talk to my future husband that way, Alex. That’s your future best friend in law.”

Thomas raised his eyebrows. “No way, Laurens, I'm definitely giving you an ultimatum as soon as we’re engaged; me or your friends.”

“No!” cried Laurens. “But I can’t choose! If you truly loved me, you wouldn’t make me choose.”

Thomas just shrugged. “I don’t think I can handle sharing you with them, so you’re gonna have to pick.”

Hamilton suddenly stood up and left without a word.

Laurens looked surprised. “Alex, where are you going?” he called, and then looked back at Thomas with so much confusion when he got no response.

Thomas shook his head, this would probably be good for Hamilton; he might actually finally confess his feelings. He ignored the little voice telling him he should follow his own advice. “I'm telling you Hamilton is moodier than a teenager.”

Laurens frowned, “did I say something?”

“Give him some time.” Thomas shook his head.

“Do you know something I don’t?” Laurens asked with narrowed, suspicious eyes.

Thomas innocently shrugged and sipped at his coffee.

Laurens sighed, “you’re an asshole, I hope you know that.”

Clutching his chest, Thomas cried, “so the second we’re alone, the loving act is gone? I'm divorcing you!”

“Still an asshole.”

* * *

It had finally been a full week since James had left, and he was coming back today.

Thomas was pacing their room. He was still wary of those three incidents, still wary of thinking he might be touch starved, but he was sure once James hugged him it would be alright.

He laughed quietly, how silly he was to think he was honestly _touch starved_. Ridiculous.

He froze when he heard the shuffling outside their door. He quickly opened the door to meet James’ eyes. 

God, he’d missed him.

Wait. Fuck. James’ eyes were red rimmed, he was sniffling, and was wearing way too many layers for a healthy person to wear without feeling at least a little warm. He sneezed, confirming Thomas’ suspicions.

“Fuck, you’re sick?”

James nodded, coughing, “Don’t come anywhere near me, I'm contagious.”

For some reason, Thomas felt his heart drop, felt disappointment flood his system. “Okay, get in bed, I'm making you soup.”

James smiled gratefully, and left his bag for Thomas to pick up, before getting in bed fully clothed.

So. that kind of ruined Thomas’ plan, but he wasn’t going to feel bad about it when his best friend was sick.

A small voice in the very back of his mind whispered _as if he’d want to touch you even if he was fine_. He chose to ignore it.

\-------

A few days later and James was finally feeling better, but he still made no move to hug Thomas, and Thomas wasn’t sure how he should go about asking. Did people even ask for hugs? Was that a thing? It was stupid anyway, he shouldn’t have to ask, should he? Wouldn’t his friends hug him without him asking if they wanted to?

Still, Thomas kept telling himself it would happen. There was no way his best friend, at least, wouldn’t want to hug him.

So, instead of asking, Thomas took to covertly staring at James, just waiting.

* * *

They were all at the library a couple of days before classes were set to start. The whole group was there; Hamilton, Laurens, Burr, Theodosia, Mulligan, Lafayette, the Schuyler sisters minus Peggy, Maria, and James and Thomas.

They were sitting around one large table, supposed to do work, but were really just catching up. 

Thomas wasn’t really participating aside from laughing when others laughed, or humming when someone said his name. He was focused on how everyone was sitting. Laurens and Hamilton seemed to have made up, considering how close they were sitting, Hamilton’s arm wrapped around Laurens’ waist. Lafayette and Mulligan weren’t nearly as subtle; Laf being in Hercules’ lap. Theodosia and Burr were holding hands on the table. Maria and Eliza were sweetly cuddling across two chairs, somehow. The only one of his friends sitting alone was Angelica, and that was probably due to her being busy arguing with someone over the phone.

Thomas felt his heart constrict looking around and seeing that everyone was touching, except for him and James. 

The voice came back: _told you. Look at him; he’s healthy and okay and he still won’t touch you. Why would he want to? Heck he didn’t want to be your friend to begin with. You’re the one who wouldn’t stop annoying him ‘till he relented, and even then it was probably ‘cause he’s too nice to tell you to fuck off. Something he definitely wants to do._ Thomas took a deep breath and tried his hardest not to listen to the voice. _But you know I'm right. Look at him. He hasn’t touched you since he got back. And he only hugged you when he left because you were being an annoying asshole and he didn’t want to be the reason you had an anxiety attack. Honestly, that’s probably the only reason he’s still your friend; he doesn’t want to be the reason your fucked up mental health gets any worse._

Thomas felt his whole body go numb. Maybe the voice was right. Fuck. it’s been so long since someone actually touched him. Not sexually - which. That hadn’t happened in awhile either - but platonically. Just a fucking hug. Was he asking for too much? Laurens didn’t seem to think so when he jumped in his lap…. But was that just to make Hamilton jealous? He looked up at the two… yeah, that’s probably it.

“What do you think?”

God, had he even taken his meds this morning? He thought so, but he should probably make sure, he wouldn’t want to disappoint James.

“Thomas?” came the gentle, questioning voice from next to him.

He shook his head to clear it and turned to look at James, realizing everyone was looking at him. “Huh?”

James smiled, but Thomas could see the concern in his eyes, “Angelica is throwing a party tomorrow night for start of classes. Everyone already agreed to go, do you wanna go?”

Frankly, Thomas didn’t want to. Not really; alcohol and high levels of anxiety - which Thomas very much had right now - did not go well together. But, on the other hand, he really wanted to just get drunk and maybe forget about things. He was thinking of maybe finding someone to sleep with, but one look at his best friend’s face and he knew he wasn’t going to do that.

“Sure!”

Everyone looked happy with his answer, but James was still looking concerned. Thomas pretended he couldn’t see it; he didn’t really have an answer if James were to ask.

\-------

Okay. In hindsight, maybe getting drunk was a bad idea.

What did Thomas think was going to happen? Drinking never made anyone ‘forget things’; it just made them sadder, and more emotional.

So yeah, it was definitely his fault he was near tears only two hours into the party. He wanted to stop, take a deep breath, and calm down. But the sight of James hugging literally every one of their friends _except for him_ was too painful, so he immediately grabbed a cup without checking what it contained and started drinking.

He tried telling himself James hadn’t hugged him because they’d come in together, of course he wouldn’t get a hug hello, but his brain and heart wouldn’t listen.

He was watching James and some girl sitting on the couch on the other side of the crowded room - sitting way too close, the girl’s hand on James’ thigh for some stupid reason. And Thomas just really needed to know why James won’t hug him. So, drunk mind made, he stumbled towards his _best friend_ \- he kept repeating that on the short walk over; _he’s your best friend, it’s okay, you can ask, he’s your best friend_. 

When he got there, he just stood in front of them, not knowing what to say. The girl didn’t notice him, but James did - James always did.

“Can you excuse us, please?” James told the girl, who stopped whatever stupid thing she was talking about and finally noticed Thomas. She smiled and nodded, kissing James on the cheek before leaving.

Thomas wanted to break something.

He remained standing there, in a daze, for a few seconds after she left, until James patted the empty spot next to him.

Thomas sat down, carefully not touching James - a hard feat on the tiny couch.

James noticed Thomas’ hands twitch minutely towards him, as if itching to move closer.

They were silent for a very short moment before Thomas sighed, his entire body sagging. “What did I do wrong, Jemmy?”

And James’ heart damn near broke at his best friend’s tone; defeated. He wasn’t sure what Thomas was talking about so he asked him, silently praying it was something he could fix.

Thomas took a deep breath before going on a long ramble: “I mean, I know you didn't like me at the beginning, I get that, I know I can be annoying a lot of the time - most of the time - but I thought maybe you'd started liking me now, ‘cause we've been friends for so long and we live together and I didn't think your pity for me was so strong that you'd actually fucking live with me, Jemmy, and I just don't know what I did wrong this time. Please tell me, you know I fuck up a lot but I don't do it on purpose, I promise, Jemmy, I really didn't wanna make you mad or upset with me. So what did I do?” 

And he’s looking at James with wide, confused, and unbelievably _sad_ eyes, and James didn’t know what to do, so he just whispered, “what are you talking about, Thomas? I'm not mad at you.”

Thomas cocked his head, looking like the puppy James always said he looked like. “But you won’t touch me.”

And James flashed back to the past however long, and at how Thomas would look longingly at their friends hugging, and how he’d look at James, and how he’d sit a little closer on the couch. And James tried to think back to when he’d last hugged Thomas - and fuck, he’s a bad friend. 

“Thomas… fuck, I'm so so sorry. I didn’t--” he cut himself off, taking in his friend looking so lost and so sad, and James just wrapped his arms around him and hugged him.

“I want to tell you why I’ve been so stupid, but you’re drunk right now, and I want you to _really_ hear me, okay? So I'm not ignoring this, I am going to talk to you tomorrow, when you’re sober, okay?”

Thomas just nodded and hugged James tighter.

\-------

The next day, Thomas woke up and immediately felt James’ body impossibly close. Thomas’ hands clutching James’ shirt, and James’ arms around him. He reluctantly remembered the previous night and was overwhelmed with embarrassment. He wanted to get up and run away, but he won’t do that, that’s not his and James’ relationship; they always talk about things. Thomas feels shittier with that thought in mind; he’d kept something important from James. Fuck.

“Good morning.”

Thomas squeezed his eyes shut and moved even closer to James’ front, mumbling, “morning…”

“Okay, I know you’re probably embarrassed and nervous right now, and I know you don’t want to open your eyes, so you don’t have to. But I am going to talk, if that’s alright with you.”

Thomas stayed quiet, so James took that as approval to keep talking.

“You passed out pretty fast last night, but I stayed up a while thinking about things and, well. I kind of let you down, didn’t I?” at the distressed sound that escaped Thomas, James shushed him, “no, I did, I did, Thomas. I know you like to think I can do no wrong, especially when it comes to you, but, Tommy… I don’t know what I'm doing half the time.”

He took a deep breath before continuing. “But I try. And I can usually read you well enough to know what you want or need, but I can also be stupid sometimes.” he laughed quietly. “This is the point where you’d say something like ‘you’re the smartest person I know, Jemmy’ and I’d laugh and change the subject, but you gotta know that I'm so lost for you. I would do _anything_ you want, Thomas. I… I’ve been following your lead for so long.”

James went quiet then, and Thomas wasn’t sure why his was beating so fast, but it was.

“Thomas, I'm so sorry. I don’t even know how to begin to apologize. I thought about when John called me while I was away, and… I remember the look on your face when I hugged you goodbye. And god, babe, I really haven’t hugged you in so long. Fuck.” 

Thomas slowly opened his eyes, staring at his hands clutching James’ shirt, but wasn’t ready to let go or look up yet, so he quietly waited.

“I want you to know that I haven’t just forgotten to touch you, okay? As if I could ever look at you and _not_ want to touch you…” James tightened his hold. “I’ve wanted to so many times, but I just… I would get lost in my own mind and couldn’t bring myself to do it. And I know you want to ask what I was thinking that was so bad I couldn't even touch my best friend, and I know I usually take the lead when it comes to this stuff - to feelings and emotions, but I'm still not sure how to say this, so you’re either going to have to wait or to figure it out yourself, yeah? Can you do that, take the lead on this? I bet you can.”

Thomas unclenched his fists, but still didn’t look up.

James stayed silent for a moment, thinking. “Oh, I came out to my parents, I didn’t tell you about that.”

Thomas froze, then smiled and looked up at James, the other man already looking back at him.

“And look at that, even when you’re down, you’re happy for me.” he pulled Thomas into a hug, “I'm so sorry.”

They’re quiet for a long moment, a longer moment than Thomas was comfortable with, so he swallowed thickly. “Can you…” he whispered. “Can you just keep talking?”

At that, James nodded, pulling back from the hug but keeping his arms around Thomas. “Do you know what my mom said when I told them? She asked if you were my boyfriend.” he laughed low, not a happy sound at all, and Thomas frowned, unsure. “I told her no, that we were just friends, but I'm sure she’ll ask you about it when she sees you next, so be prepared.” he cleared his throat, “I didn’t say anything about you, though, so you’ll have to do your own coming out, and face your own interrogation. Although let’s be real, if you asked me to be there with you, I wouldn’t be able to say no.” 

Thomas could feel the pieces coming together, the full picture making more and more sense, but wasn’t completely sure, yet, so he kept quiet and let James do the talking for a bit longer.

“I obviously stayed in my old room back home, and guess what I found. God… I found our old album? The photo album we started in middle school? You know, the ugly purple one you insisted was a good color? It’s still an ugly color, if you were wondering.” 

Thomas retaliated by pinching his side, making James laugh.

“But that’s not the point, Tommy. I actually brought it here with me, and let me tell you, it’s so heavy. I mean, of course it is, we started it in middle school, and ended it before we moved here, didn’t we? That’s a solid eight years? It’s so…. I was looking through it and, fuck, we’ve known each other so long. Can you even imagine a life without each other? ‘Cause I can’t. I keep telling you you’d be fine without me, but fuck, I don’t think I’d be fine without you. Shit, Thomas, that album is so-- fuck, you’re actually everything to me. I’d ask when that happened, but I'm pretty sure it was when you would sit next to me in every class we had together, and at lunch, and would follow me around telling me we were gonna be best friends…” he laughed, again, a sad sound this time.

“Did I ever tell you why I was so slow to get on board with your genius? I don’t think I did.” he waited for Thomas to shake his head, “yeah, I didn’t think so. Well, let me tell you now. The first time I saw you was in miss Romero’s class, do you remember her? She was taking our attendance and asking everyone what they’d done during the summer. And you were sitting in front of me, doodling in that awful notebook you carried everywhere… and she called your name three times before I kicked your chair, remember? And she asked what you were doing and - I don’t know how but I could tell that you just wanted to be left alone, that you wouldn’t want anyone to call you out like that... anyway, you turned to a new page on your notebook, an empty page, and she stood over you and asked you to show her what was so important you weren’t paying attention on the first day back. God I wanted to punch her for picking on you, even though I didn’t even know you. I remember seeing how scared you were - don’t worry though, no one else could ever tell - but you still smirked that stupid smirk you still do and told her you’d pay more attention if she was a little more interesting.” he tapped on Thomas’ back. “you got two weeks’ detention. but after she turned back to the front of the class, you sagged with relief and I remember looking around the classroom, but no one was looking at you anymore, and I realized no one had seen how nervous you were except for me, and I didn’t know why that was, and I was so scared because… I didn’t even know you, and you were already making me want to hurt anyone who hurts you... but well, here we are now.”

Thomas thought maybe he could see the full picture now, and fuck it was so nice.

He swallowed back all nervousness - well, most of it - and looked up at James, who wasn’t looking at him, but at some point on the opposite side of the room. 

“Jemmy.”

James’ eyes snapped down to meet Thomas’.

Thomas bit his lip to stop the smile he could feel wanted to come out - James always paid attention to him. “I'm gonna do something and you have to tell me if I got things right or not, okay?”

James nodded, his eyes flooding with relief. 

Slowly tilting his head up, Thomas lined their lips. “But I really think I got it right this time.” he whispered before letting their lips meet.

For maybe the first time in such a long time, Thomas wasn’t nervous of the outcome of his actions. And James proved him right when he tightened his arms around him and pulled him up and closer, kissed him back, letting out a sound that wasn’t quite a moan as much as it was a sound of relief. Either way, it was a beautiful sound that Thomas was proud he was the cause of.

Breaking apart, James let his forehead rest on Thomas’. “I knew you would get it. Fuck. I love you.”

Thomas laughed. “I mean I'm guessing you mean you’re _in love with me_ , ‘cause if not…. You do realize we tell each other ‘I love you’ on the daily, right?” James only raised his eyebrows to that, making Thomas roll his eyes, “but yeah, I love you too.” 

And maybe Thomas really was touch starved, but that was okay, because James had set his mind on never going too long without touching him. And Thomas was very much on board with that.

**Author's Note:**

> okay look. I wanted to write touch starved tjeff, but this turned into a mess of anxiety and idk I blame my own anxiety
> 
> I do have an outline for a touch starved laurens so I might make this a series and write a proper touch starved tjeff but we'll see.
> 
> I also would welcome any ideas from anyone who has any! just come message me on tumblr at the same name!


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